Whether it’s your first time or you’ve been together for years, talking with your partner about sex can seem hard. We are afraid to be assertive and to admit our concerns or fears. We’re worried that we might offend someone we care about, or that by bring up safer sex they’ll think we don’t trust them and get angry. Or, we may just be uncomfortable talking about sex at all, especially since in many cultures it’s the most taboo of subjects.
But communication is one of the most powerful tools we have to protect ourselves. Being open and honest about your and your partner's sexual history shows that you do trust each other – and that you care about one another's health and well-being.
Talk about whether you want to have sex. If you do want to, talk about what you’re comfortable doing and what you’re not. Discuss safer sex. Ask about your partner’s sexual history. Be willing to tell someone when you got tested, and ask the same question of him or her.
Negotiating safer sex is a conversation that every couple needs to have, and here’s how to go about doing it. Here are some tips to keep in mind:
*Choose a convenient time when you will both be free of distractions. It’s easier to have an open and honest conversation when you are both free to focus on the discussion – not when you’re caught up in the heat of the moment.
*Choose a relaxing environment in a neutral location, like a coffee bar or a park, where neither of you will feel pressured.
*Use "I" statements when talking. For example, I feel that choosing not to have sex is right for me at this time. Or, I would feel more comfortable if we used a condom.
*Be assertive! Do not let fear of how your partner might react stop you from talking with him/her.
*Be a good listener. Let your partner know that you hear, understand, and care about what she/he is saying and feeling.
*Be "ask-able"—let your partner know you are open to questions and that you won't jump on him/her or be offended by questions.
*Be patient with your partner, and remain firm in your decision that talking is important.
*Recognize your limits. You can't communicate alone or protect you both alone, and you don't have to know all the answers.
*Understand that success in talking does not mean one person getting the other person to do something. It means that you both have said what you think and feel respectfully and honestly and that you have both listened respectfully to the other.
*Get information to help you each make informed decisions.
*Avoid making assumptions. Ask open-ended questions to discuss your expectations for the relationship, past and present sexual relationships, contraceptive use, and testing for STIs, including HIV, among other issues. For example, What do you think about our agreeing to avoid sex until after we graduate? Or, What do you think about our using hormonal contraception as well as condoms? Not, Did you get the condoms? Or, When will you have sex with me?
*It’s okay if you don’t understand something right away. Try asking more questions, or asking the same question in a few different ways. Ask questions to clarify what you believe you heard. For example, I think you said that you want us to use both condoms and birth control pills? Is that right? Or, I think you want us both to wait until we graduate to have sex? Is that right?
*Avoid judging, labeling, blaming, threatening or bribing your partner. Don't let your partner judge, label, blame, threaten, or bribe you.
*Do not wait until you become sexually intimate to discuss safer sex with your partner. In the heat of the moment, you and your partner may be unable to talk effectively.
*Stick by your decision. Don't be swayed by lines like, If you loved me, you would have sex with me. Or, If you loved me, you would trust me and not use a condom.
Here's something else to keep in mind:
Bill of Dating Rights
I have the right to:
*trust myself above all others.
*receive decent treatment by anyone I date.
*refuse to date anyone.
*be safe on a date.
*pay my own way on a date.
*be assertive on a date.
*use protection during sex.
*agree to have sex.
*refuse to have sex.
*be respected as a person.
*disagree with my date.
*say NO.
*get angry.
*fulfill myself with or without a partner in my life.
*know who I am.
*know who I am dating.
*determine who I will date.
*use my own transportation on a date.
*leave any dating situation my instincts tell me to.
*prosecute for battery and sexual assault.
*receive emotional support and understanding.
*have a healthy dating relationship.
*control my own destiny.
*be loved.
*be cared about.
*experience intimacy.
*maintain high self-esteem.
*trust myself above all others.
For more information about communicating with your partner about sexual health issues or for more information on sexual health in general, please visit Amplify. Be safe!
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